Chasing Peace and Freedom: From Neglect to Finding Healing - PT1

I stood there looking over the cliff. I desired what I thought was at the bottom - peace and freedom.

Most of us aren’t born with mental health struggles. Most mental health struggles are thrust upon the individual. Some we pick up ourselves. A lot come from a young age. Mine definitely did.

By the age of one I was in foster care from severe neglect. Emotionless. I was adopted at age four and a year later I had sworn to myself that I would kill my new dad as I watched him slamming one of my brothers into the ground.

At the same time – I was being abused sexually by another person in my life. Due to the stress of it – I blocked it out of my mind and memory. To the this day, I thankfully have no memory of it.

The truth is, I picked up a lot of my mental health struggles from my dad. He was physically abusive – I’d say luckily not so much to me, but I don’t think that is lucky at all. He was emotionally abusive – regularly putting down those around him and being very harsh. I especially felt like everything I liked – he despised and he let me know. He didn’t give out compliments or love. He gave out criticism and remarks that cut away at the soul like a hot knife.

I picked up my first addiction at 12. Pornography. Addiction is often a sure partner in abuse. When I was 12 my parents got a computer that had unfettered access to anything and everything. It wasn’t long until I came across things I aught not to.

By the age of 16 I dropped out of high school from the onslaught of pressure from my dad about how terrible – even sinful school was. And then, by the age of 18 I was kicked out of home.

Children are neither to blame for their issues nor are they responsible for fixing them. But, when you become an adult – you may not be to blame for your issues, but you certainly are responsible for figuring them out. I didn’t know how to figure them out. I was depressed, suicidal, scared and so lost and lonely.

I tried things. I had friends, girlfriends, travelled, and tried to lose myself in whatever a screen might hold for me.

A little while ago I heard a conversation between two people talking about depression. “All you need to do is get up and do something. Go be with people. No one is ever depressed when they are around people.” Ignorance can be quite astounding. But I am often ignorant to other peoples’ struggles as well.

I was at a church convention in Cody, Wyoming. A buddy of mine had invited me on a road trip. And that was our final destination of the trip. We had been camping, having fun and figuring out how to drive a stick shift car in the mountains. I was out for a walk in the beautiful countryside when I found a large gorge. It called to me. Deeply. It promised me something it couldn’t actually give me– peace and freedom.

Go Boldly - Live Wisely
Charles